A cat named Duck...

For some reason I felt the need to write down my thoughts and feelings about the recent loss of our cat Duck. Back story... she was a cat I adopted from the old East Orange shelter back in 1997. I've never considered myself a cat person (actually I'm allergic) but already having one cat (Goose) because she came with my house, I guess I felt the need to get her a cat "friend". A good friend (DB) was going to the shelter that day to look for herself (ending up adopting 2!!), I went along for the ride. Not really being a cat person and not knowing much about them, my only criteria I used to help pick one was if the cat let me cut their nails I'd take 'em! Well needless to say I picked up every cat there and NONE would have it... until the last one.... Duck. That silly animal only came home with me that day because she didn't rip my face off while holding her like a baby and clipping her nails! (they guessed she was about 1-2 years old at the time...)

Anyway all these years later turns out I picked a good one... actually a great one :).. Zen kitty.. nothing bothered her..But this isn't just about a great cat. It's about 2 amazing kids. Duck lived a fairly normal life .. a cat living in our hectic, crazy animal filled home .  That's normal, right?? The beginning of this year blood worked showed significant kidney disease ...certainly not uncommon in cats and especially one who was at least 19 years old. Her numbers were fairly high but she showed no signs of slowing down. Until last week. It came on strong and fierce. According to the Vet she only had a few days left. We went home with fluids to give her subcutaneously understanding that this would only keep her comfortable and not really buy her anymore time. We were grateful just to be able to bring her home.

My boys are 12. They haven't experienced too much in the way of death and dying. They did lose other pets in the past but  long enough ago to not really remember that well (and were never actually THERE when I put them down). They also lost their grandfather 2 years ago but again weren't close to the experience. They do clearly remember the time over a year and a half ago my friend Amy was dying of cancer. She lived in Boston so they didn't see her during that time but I explained a lot of the process to them and obviously they  saw me cry a LOT.  Amy was my dearest childhood friend and was the epitome of the "crazy cat lady"! She LOVED  to "torture" Duck!!

So here I am the last few days caring for Duck. Making sure she was comfortable, feeding her if she wanted to eat, giving her water if she wanted to drink and administering  sub q fluids twice a day. Cole would come sit and pet her. She would always wake up when she saw him and LOVED when he would sit with her... Purring away.  He was always getting her fresh towels, making sure she was comfy. He would help me with the fluids, set up the bag, prepare the needle, start and stop the fluids etc... I'm not sure at 12 years old  I could stomach watching my mom stick a needle in my dying cat! But Cole didn't hesitate once to help...Drew would pop in and out and ask if she was going to die. He even came down one evening and played the piano for her...Sometimes he would come and kiss her. Sometimes we would all just sit and cry while holding her....

The days were long. We had hoped she would pass in her sleep... but by Sunday it was clear she probably wouldn't. A call to the traveling Vet that comes to your home was made... But before she arrived I watched Cole place Duck in a box to help bring her upstairs. I also watched him bring her outside one last time.. Both boys sat with her while I watched them through the back door...Once the Vet arrived we all sat in the living room and she explained what was going to happen. Before she began Drew left...but Cole stayed. He sat with me as we said our final goodbyes, petting and holding her the entire time. Drew came back after...lifted her blanket...kissed her and said "I will miss you".... The Vet and her assistant left and Cole and I just sobbed.... I'm not sure Drew was able to handle so much emotion and that was ok.... I know this is something probably very hard for him to process...

I had already picked out a box and I had dug the hole the day before (I didn't want to get caught off guard if she passed in the middle of the night). There was Cole asking if her could pick her up and help get her ready. I KNOW at 12 I could not have handled picking up my dead cat.. hell I had a hard time now at 47!! But there he was helping get her in her box..with her blanket...helping tape the box with DUCK tape... (the humor was not lost on that one!) And out we all went to the back yard. We remembered that we still had Emma and Goose's ashes so along with some fresh cut flowers we placed Duck and her friends in the ground...

The strength of my kids through such a difficult time amazed me... but then again they always amaze me. It's so hard dealing with death no matter who or what our age... and while this may have been a "life lesson" for my boys, it opened my eyes to see their strength, kindness and compassion. Seriously spectacular kids.... and one spectacular cat..

So be free now Duck girl... we miss you like crazy!!! But I hope Amy is taking good care of you <3  

And Autism Awareness month comes to an end....

Ok so here we are at the end of April. Autism Awareness month. I try to spend this month being more "aware" of the positive things autism brings to my life instead of the negative stuff :)  Autism is hard, no doubt, but it's also really truly special.

Back when Drew was first diagnosed by a neurologist with the WORST bedside manners I have seen, she said to me, "Cole will be Drew's best therapist"... HUH?? Really lady???  Because all I know is that "they" tell me now I'm supposed to run out and find all the best therapists, specialists and teachers in the whole wide world!!! That's who is supposed to help my kid.

Well over the years I have tried to be "aware" of how much influence/help Cole has been for Drew and you know what?? He REALLY has been Drew's best therapist! Seriously. Cole has probably taught his brother more than any therapist or specialist combined!!! If I really watch the dynamics between the two it is so clear to see... "Drew it's like this.... Drew do it like this..Drew come try this...Drew over here!!... Drew look at this... Drew you say it like this.. Drew it goes like this.." 

I know sometimes it's easy to see Drew's amazing strengths... They all sort of ooze to the outside.. Cole's strengths sometimes remain unseen... quite...sitting in the back round...But this month I paid attention. I mean REALLY paid attention... And instead of  saying to Cole "you are not his Mother" (which I can do a lot! (cringe) ) I let it be... 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oH3goPVT3Rk

So this month I was completely "aware" that I have two really special kids. Drew's abilities may all show on the outside but Cole's are there as well.. just in a quiet more subtile way...soooOOoo Cole :) He is an AMAZING brother/friend/therapist to Drew...And I feel like the luckiest Mom ever :)

So see you next year "Autism Awareness Month"... Let's all try to be just a tad bit more aware all year :).. It's amazing what you'll see...

Ahhh April.... Autism Awareness month...

April is Autism Awareness month and while we are wrapping up I thought I would reflect on my "awareness" ;-).

When Drew was first diagnosed I remember feeling helpless...hopeless...lost...terrified.... I wanted to "fix" it.. "change" it... take it away.  I searched and hoped for a "cure" or a least something to make it "better". And trust me I tried many "things". I remember reading articles, blogs and posts from other parents wishing and doing  the same thing...  and then I came across something soooo interesting... it sounded off the wall and bat-shit crazy.... SOME parents didn't wish autism away!!!! WHAT??!!! You're kidding, right?? Who wouldn't want this horrible, terrifying, life changing disorder GONE??? I know I did.... at one point. "They" would say things like "autism is part of who he is..if you take it away you would take away a part of him". Crazy people, right???

Well Drew is 10, almost 11 and I have been traveling this journey for sometime now. We have good days, GREAT days and some completely horrible, make them go away, never want to remember them days... Autism SUCKS.. sometimes. I'm not gonna lie. But so do a LOT of things. Typical kids can be a challenge.. sometimes... Life is hard. Sometimes. So why treat autism any differently? What does the future hold?? Who knows! No one does. Not for any of our kids. All we have is now. I can not and will not waste energy wondering  or worrying about tomorrow.

Today brought me to a new level of understanding, accepting, AWARENESS. Over the years I have learned to surrender, embrace and let go so many aspects of my life. Autism should be no different. And today I now TOTALLY get those parents that didn't want a "magic pill" to make "it" disappear . Drew is who he is. And I won't try to take any of it away... that includes autism. 

 Autism is a huge part of who Drew is and without it there might not be this.... So bring it autism... I'll take it :)

(and thanks Cole for letting me upload to your youtube channel... You ROCK too kiddo!!  Love you both to pieces!)

Here and There

4 weeks ago today my friend Amy died... died... I still can't believe it most days. I remember the call at 4 "something" AM Jan 25th. "she gone sweetie"... Of course I knew the second the phone rang, but hearing those words turned my world upside down. While Amy's passing was not sudden, you just can't believe when it actually happens.

 Like she's gone... really gone... 

Losing a friend feels different then losing a parent. At least for me. I can't explain it...The loss is immeasurable in either case.  Parents are supposed to die before their kids. Your 46 year old, childhood friend is NOT. We were supposed to grow old together. Get a "spinster" apartment together.  Take my boys camping..There were a lot more "things" we were supposed to do together. 

Amy had just recently unloaded some major life baggage. She was on a positive path while searching for meaning and trying to reinvent herself...She was on a quest!. She wanted answers. Answers to everything!!! Amy was the most inquisitive person I have ever known! It's who she was..always..  I can remember numerous family dinners at my Dad's years ago where  Amy would bend his ear with a million questions... mostly "what is the meaning of life" types. Amy was always questioning.

I think what I am realizing more and more every day is that while  Amy was on this journey to a better understanding of life. A journey, I thought, she was supposed travel HERE. I think I lost sight that perhaps her journey was not meant to continue here... it was meant to continue "there" (wherever that is)... Maybe it's why she had to leave us so soon. Perhaps it's just my way of dealing with such an enormous loss but it IS what I believe in my heart. 

When I think of Amy I am most times still so very sad BUT she has sent me some wonderful signs letting me know she's ok and that makes me smile :-). She may not have been able to find all the answers to her million and one questions here, but I have no doubt she has found them "there".

I love you girl! Enjoy your journey ....

A Light Bulb Moment.....

Yup...10 months after my last post I have something to say!!

Today I had a "light bulb" moment....I know crazy right?? Any waaaaaay... I have been thinking a lot about the dynamic of having 2 kids. One with "special" needs and one "typical" (I use that term lightly :))

I feel like since Kid A (Drew) diagnosis of autism, it's all "we" do is try and make him "typical". Or should I say "appear" typical. Autism never goes away, so what are we really doing?? Covering it up?? Burying it??  Masking it? Making him something he's not?? What are we REALLY doing?? And how does it affect him? His self esteem..his spirit..his soul...?

Ok so Kid B (Cole). My "typical" kid. Well we all know he's not that "typical" but in general he is. He's not one of the cool kids. He struggles in school with his own set of learning issues. But he doesn't have any serious social issues. He doesn't stand out as being too odd or different. So I got to thinking (I know, hard to believe!!) Cole IS different, just different enough to make him NOT one of the "cool" kids... a little quiet... a lot of geeky.... not athletic AT ALL...different. He marches to a different drum. Has a few close friends. Not a lot.  So what do I do as a parent??? I don't ask him to be "cool" or  try to be popular so he fits in better...I love him, I encourage him, I tell him he is wonderful and DIFFERENT and unique and to ALWAYS stay that way. Don't change for anyone! I think most parents of slightly not cool kids do that!! You let them know it's ok to be different. That's what makes them so special.

Now back to Kid A. AUTISM. Why does that one little word give us the ok to try and make our kids something they are not? Most of Drew's life has been about trying to "change" him to help him fit in.. behaviors and such. "look so and so in the eye" "quiet your hands/mouth" "stop doing this. stop doing that" "find your words" "stop repeating" Et cetera!!!!

 We ask him to stop and change so much all day looong. Everyday. I wonder if what we are really doing is taking away a part of who he is...

And I am guilty of ALL of it. Telling Cole it's ok to be different and telling Drew it's not. Until today. Today a light bulb went off. I'm the one that needs to make some changes. Not my kids. So going forward I promise to be more aware of how my attitude and actions impact my amazing, special, different and unique kids! 

Peace people :)

He's still got it!

In December 2010 I went to lunch with a friend.... We talked about Christmas and traditions. I had heard about this "elf on a Shelf" thing and asked her what she thought ;-)... I mean we already had certain traditions at Christmas time. Ones that I LOVED... cutting down our tree...stopping at Hot Dog Johnny's on the way home...reading "Twas the Night Before Christmas" the night before CHRISTMAS!! But for some reason I was drawn to this silly little elf idea. My friend dropped me off after lunch and about an hour later I get a call from her... "are you home??" she asks.. "Why yes I am!!" I respond... Next thing I know she is pulling up to my house and what does she have??? THE ELF!!! (Thanks Eileen!!) and so the tradition began...
In 2010 the boys were 7 years old... Still totally believing in Santa so the idea of Erwin our Elf was easy :)... 2011 the boys still really believe...in Santa and Erwin but I know I am on borrowed time... So fast forward to 2012... About half the kids in 4th grade do NOT believe in Santa and LOVE telling the other half about it!!! SHUT UP!! :-) (who am I kidding.. I found out before my brother, who is older and couldn't WAIT to tell him and of course in turn he told a bunch of his friends...) So this year I am unsure of what the boys will think of Erwin.
A few days ago Erwin DID return and I must say I was a little disappointed (heartbroken really)...with the boys reaction...

Seriously lacked the fanfare I was hoping for... I mean LOOK!!! He was shipped from the North Pole!! I thought it was super cute!!(totally stole the idea from the internet...but who am I kidding...it's where all my ideas come from!!) The boys reaction was sorta blah... But I did over hear Cole talking to his friends the next day at school informing them of Erwin's arrival...
Day 2...

He decorated the boys "mini" tree... Well maybe a tad more excitement ... and a really small "tad"!! Cole really just wanted to know if he could keep the ornaments... 
Day 3..

Blah again... They thought Erwin was sorta funny but Cole was more worried about the fish getting cleaned after Erwin went back to the North Pole the next night..(your Elf returns to the North Pole every night to report to Santa on your behavior then comes back to your house and shows up in a different spot everyday... exhausting..trust me!!)
Day 4..

 Ok NOW we are getting somewhere.. This went over big except poor Cole thought Erwin was trying to "clean" the toilet(he does NOT get that from his Mother...let's be clear!), not fully understanding that Elves  pee green ;-).. But at least I can hear the "buzz" when he is talking to his friends... Ok I, I mean Erwin, still stands a chance of pulling this off :-)..
Day 5...

BINGO!! It happened.. Cole wakes me up and tells me I HAVE to come see what Erwin did now...Excitement was in the air! Cole turns to me and says... "Wow Erwin is amazing..so funny. I can't believe this.. he is super cool..maybe even cooler than Santa!!" 
YES!!! I, I mean, he's still got it!!! Thank you Erwin for keeping our Christmas spirit!!
Hoping you all have the Christmas spirit this year and always :)

Abney Fridays

I am noticing here at the Abney's that we are accumulating a lot of "traditions" on our Fridays....
The first started awhile back when I began to realize that Kid B (Cole) was going to OBSESS about computers. Now while I like to let my kids "lead" in their interests, this one was/is a LOT and I need an occasional break! So I deemed Fridays "computer free Friday" meaning Cole could NOT talk to me about computers on Fridays... It works, sorta ;-)

Kid A ( Drew) also some how started pimping me for some sort of food option after school on Fridays... Whether it be McDonald's, Rita's or a trip to Ikea for meatballs he ALWAYS asks (and gets) some sort of "special" food thing on Fridays :)... which isn't too bad a tradition because at least I don't have to cook!! Hey look ANOTHER break for ME on Fridays... (silver lining)
We also have dubbed Fridays "lazy Friday"...We usually put our PJ's on early and are complete bums... even the dogs join in :)

 And lately I do a lot of this....

I like this tradition! No pressure, no demands, no obligations... I need it after a long week ;-)
NOW to the latest tradition...Not sure how, when or why it started but it has and doesn't look like it is going anywhere ANY time soon.... "sleep in Mommy's bed Friday!!" which of course follows into "sleep in Mommy's bed Saturday!" ... which then .... oh hell let's call it "sleep in Mommy's bed WEEKEND!" And this is what it looks like..

It aint pretty but you know what?? It's sorta growing on me :) At first I didn't really like the idea. I love having my bed to myself (well sharing it with the dogs and cat..so not really alone) but when you think about it...how long are my boys going to want to sleep with their Mom?? They are growing up sooooo fast sometimes I want to stop time (but don't worry, that feeling doesn't last long!) sooo I am quickly learning to embrace the "Abney Family Bed" tradition and I don't really care what day it falls on .... But come to think of it what day does Christmas Eve fall on because this might mess EVERYTHING up!!
Oh well! Go out there and start some traditions...and enjoy :)